Sunday, January 11, 2009

Not Even the Writers Guild Can Stop Jack Bauer Forever.

Jack Bauer is back. And so are the terrorists. This time the terrorists for some odd reason decide to set up shop in DC rather than the traditional epicenter of all terrorist activity (Southern California). As a former decade long resident of DC, it's always fun to watch DC-based shows.

Great opening that was eerily similar to those Volkswagen crash commercials from last year. Some liberal computer engineer is crashed into and kidnapped (we know he is a bleeding heart because he is driving a Volvo station wagon, the luxury car of choice of wealthy DC-liberals). So anyhow, the evil guys ram into the Volvo somewhere on "Old School Street." Awesome.

Volvos really are safe cars after all. It took some serious crashes and the airbags didn't even deploy. They didn't need to deploy.

Cut to the Senate. Senator Red Forman is grilling Jack Bauer. (Another thing, the guy who played Red Forman was in Robocop. That's at least the third major appearance of a Robocop alumus. Cool.) Anyhow, Senator Red Forman asks Jack if he wants an attorney present. Jack says no. Senator Red Forman calls him a "dumbass." Jack is then swiftly escorted away to help the FBI on the Volvo-Guy kidnapping.

Cut to the FBI. My wife remarks "does that woman look like Jeanine Garofolo to you?" I say "yes."

At the FBI, Hot Agent Walker tells Jack that his presumed dead colleague Tony Freaking Almeida is behind the Volvo-Guy's kidnapping and some other stuff. Something about cracking into the one firewall that controls everything in America. By the way, this is plot from Die Hard IV. I can't get the image out of my head of Tony Almeida and his cohorts in the movie theatre chomping on their Sour Patch Kids (TM) and then looking at each other thinking: we should totally do that!

So at the evil headquarters, Tony (who now sports a full 5 O'Clock goatee, instead of the soul patch), threatens Volvo-Guy until Volvo-Guy assembles a circuit board that permits access to The Firewall. The Tony takes control of an air traffic control panel and starts guiding a passenger plane somewhere.

Jack doesn't believe Tony is involved and is certain that it must be some silly Three's Company style misunderstanding. But he reluctantly agrees to help. He somehow figures out that some dude that makes really good fake IDs is involved so he and Hot Agent Walker go to track down the Fake ID Guy. The Fake ID Guy denies that he met Tony Jack almost puts a Bic (TM) pen through his eyeball and The Fake ID Guy remembers where Tony is. But then a sniper takes out Fake ID Guy before he could tell Jack where to find Tony.


At the beginning of hour two, the FBI locks down the building containing The Sniper. Jack thinks there is a mole. Preposterous says Hot Agent Walker, and she tells Jack to go sit in the car. Which he does. But then Jack uses the old, "I need to step out and get fresh air" routine. And it totally worked. Atta boy Jack.

Meanwhile, Madame President has decided to assist a Fictional African Country in stopping genocide. Why? Because the UN are a bunch of pussies.

Jack was right about The Mole. The Mole assists The Sniper to escape. But Jack notices that The Sniper was wearing hiking boots instead of FBI shoes. He alerts Hot Agent Walker and the two of them trail The Sniper but don't tell anyone at the FBI what they are doing.

Anyhow, The Ballbreaker FBI Guy doesn't like it that Hot Agent Walker is out freelancing with Jack and so he has Jeanine Garofolo do some computery stuff to track them down.

Tony nearly crashes two airplane into each other on the runway. He tells the air traffic controllers that next time he will do it for real. Then we meet Tony' s non-descript evil boss. We also find out that the whole Die Hard IV plan has something to do with the coup in the Fictional African County.

Jack and Hot Agent Walker trail The Sniper down to the Anacostia River, where Tony is hiding out in a boat. Jack kicks The Sniper's ass and the fashions a rudimentary silencer out of some rags he found in the gutter and takes out the surveillance system. Some gunfire ensues. Jack sneaks around the boat.

He finds Tony.

Tony runs away.

Jack tells him to stop.

Tony stops.

Then Tony must have thought to himself "why am I stopping?" So Tony starts to run away again.

Jack catches up with him.

They fight.

Jack and Hot Agent Walker subdue Tony. The Ballbreaker FBI Guy shows up in a black helicopter.


Another two hours tomorrow with a promise Major Plot Twist. Is Tony somehow the good guy afterall? Will Jack help Tony? I don't know.